I need your help.
I know you do.
And I know that you know... But God, before I say anything I want to tell you for giving me a blog like this because I needed somewhere tonight to talk out loud to you tonight, and this is the only place that I could find.
I know Cynthia.
God, I have some hard things that I have to do, and thinking about them makes me hurt so badly.
See God. Everybody always wants me to be so strong but I am not strong, and I am so tired of being strong for everyone else when I hurt so bad sometimes, and tonight I can't get the pain to stop.
Do you know why you are hurting Cynthia?
No, that's just it; I don't know exactly why I hurt so badly. I have a huge family and usually, I have so many people around me but I often feel like I am out on a deserted island. I feel like I am drowning.
What about the hard things that you have to do, do you want t talk about them?
God, I want to know that I am doing the right thing and that I have your support to do them.
Do you trust me, Cynthia?
Yes, I think that I do.
Do you trust me with the people that you love?
I think so.
Cynthia, do you believe that I love you?
Yes, that is one thing that I am absolutely sure about.
Then what are you so sad about?
Well, I think that I am sad because I am not always so sure that I love you and those around me. What if I am making decisions based on only what I want and not on what is good for everybody? Sometimes I feel like if I am not strong I will be letting everybody down; that if I stop taking care of everyone it will be a selfish move on my part.
Cynthia, what do you think is the most important thing that you can give to people?
Yes, that is right, love is the most important thing but love does not always mean that you give them everything that they want. Sometimes love means that you have to let them go so that I....you hear me...I....not you....can give them what they need. Let me ask you this, what is it that you think your family needs?
I think that they need you, God.
Well then maybe you will have to move out of the way and let me get to them. Right now they are depending on you. It is time for them to depend on me.
I know God.
Ok, then what else is wrong Cynthia?
What do you mean, what else?
That is only part of it, do you want to talk about the rest of it?
I don't think that I know what you are talking about.
No? well take a moment and think about it....
Well, I also hurt because I feel so unloved sometimes, not by you but by those around me. I feel like I am just a means to an end for them. I just feel so lonely. So utterly lonely that it hurts and I am afraid to cry because if I start then it takes me so long to stop. I hate feeling like this but I don't know how to make it stop.
Cynthia, where do you think that these feelings are coming from?
Yeah, I know. They are coming from the devil. And seeing how you know it too, why don't you just tell him to leave me alone?
Cynthia, when you were a baby Christian I let you think like that but I can't do that now. What does the scripture tell you to do?
I know God. It says that I am to resist the devil and he will flee from me.
Yes, and have you been resisting tonight?
No, but see God, that's what I do not understand about you. You send me to other people when they are hurting and you tell me what to say to them, and tell me what to pray for them, but then when I am hurting it seems like, suddenly everyone is all tied up and there is no one to help me through this pain. Don't get me wrong, I love you and how good you are to me but you are a Spirit, at least that is how I know you most. See, sometimes I wish that you would just send someone to give me a hug, just a simple hug Is that too much to ask?
Cynthia, I give you everything that you need. When you need someone to be there then I send you someone just like I send you to others.
So are you saying that I did not need anyone tonight?
No, I am saying that I want you to trust me and believe me when I tell you that everything is going to be alright. I have it under control for you just as I do for everyone, your help is on the way, BUT, you MUST have faith that I will not leave you alone.
I guess that I do God, but I have to be honest with you, I do trust you but that does not stop the pain or the loneliness.
I know Cynthia, but this time you are just going to have to trust me. I tell you what I want you to do. I want you to put on some praise music and think about all of the times that you can remember when I came through for you. You wrote about them once. Go get that out, put on the music and read it....and then we will talk again, ok?
I love you.
I know God, I love you too.